7 Easy Steps to a Crappy Marriage!

Lots of books and blogs have been dedicated to helping people have happy and successful marriages but what about those masochists out there who enjoy struggling and beating their head against the wall?  Well, I have a handful of easy things you can do that will be guaranteed to make you and your spouse miserable and best of all they are things we all do naturally on our own.  The key is keeping your focus in the right place and you won't be burdened by peace or fulfillment ever again.

1.  Focus on your own needs and desires - Make sure you take every opportunity you can to let your spouse know how they are failing you on a regular basis in case they forgot how inept at marriage they are.  Describe in detail what it would look like if they were to fulfill all of your wildest dreams and desires, feel free to reference your friend's spouses, exes, or even your parent who did things the right way.  The good part is if you each are focusing completely on your own needs and desires then you'll be too busy to actually meet the other person's needs.  It's like each of you writing out a super long wishlist for Christmas gifts and then giving them to each other instead of any actual gifts - imagine the disappointment potential!

2.  Focus on their flaws - Sure you have much more of an ability to change things in yourself than someone else, but honestly, who wants to take time looking at their own junk when there is so much to point out in your spouse?  The great part is this is super easy as, unless you are a priest and are married to Jesus, you have a sinful flawed human being in your house who screws up on a regular basis.  Pointing out when they mess up is as easy as pointing out when they breathe.  If you ever get around to fully chronicling and categorizing all of their shortcomings you can start looking at yourself, but honestly you could spend a lifetime just studying every nuance of their failure.

3.  You can't have too much criticism - Don't just hold all of that frustration about their flaws inside, make sure you say it loud and proud and remember tone of voice and timing are important here.  Make sure they are already in a foul mood or even better wait until the middle of an argument to start airing your grievances.  Also whenever possible make sure you criticize them in front of others, like at a dinner party you could publicly humiliate your spouse for extra points or do that fun thing where you act like you are talking to your kids but your are really making a jab at your spouses character like "Now Johnny, I sure hope when you grow up you get a great job so you don't have to live in squalor like we do, thanks to your lazy dad" or "Suzy, you need to ask with manners, you don't want to grow up and be an ill-tempered dictator like your mom do you?"  Make sure you disregard anything that might lead you to develop appreciation as that can throw the whole thing off, best to filter every bit of data recording all they do poorly and deleting all they do well.

4.  Never, ever let it go - When people tell you not to keep score in marriage they are trying to throw you off so you won't be able to win, because winning means remembering every single offense in vivid detail.  Keep a secret journal of when the last time you had sex was or take pictures of messy spots around the house to shame them on Facebook.  Rookies start with the very first thing their spouse ever did to hurt them and catalog everything moving forward, but if you want to do it right you can use stuff from before you ever met them like how they grew up, mistakes they made in other relationships, you can even count offenses from other people if you lump them into categories like "Men are always..." or "Women aren't happy unless..."  Don't forget anything and definitely don't forgive anything because you are likely morally superior to them in every way and don't need grace yourself.  You'll become bitter and apathetic, dying from the inside out and they will start seeing the entire relationship through your resentful glasses as well so it is a gift that keeps on giving.

5.  Make sure you keep a fixed mindset - Everyone knows you are either just naturally good or marriage or you aren't, you can't learn how to be a better spouse or how to better love them and they definitely can't change either.  You are who you are, women have been that way going back ten generations and it's your god-given right as a man to talk like that from time to time.  Throw out things like "You just need to love me the way I am" so you don't have to see change as a possibility.  Give them a mixed message of complaining about stuff wanting it to change, but attacking their character at the same time so they know they are really just too stupid, lazy, or morally bankrupt to ever pull it off anyway.  It's not like people can learn and become better at things so what applies to school, sports, hobbies, and the rest of life has to apply here as well - you are either born with it or you aren't.

6. Don't ever let the blame fall on you - It's like a fun game of hot potato where you can point fingers back and forth until the other person is stumped or runs out of ways to redirect fault.  Since most marital problems are circular instead of linear in that they just keep looping in cycles the fun really never has to end.  Don't ever apologize or even hint at the possibility that you might share some responsibility, its like being a good negotiator you have to start at the far extreme and when you get worked down to the middle it makes them feel like they got something when they really didn't.

7. Give your spouse exactly what they deserve - This one is key, and can't be repeated enough.  Marriage isn't a place for mercy, grace, or understanding, the most important thing you can fight for is fairness.  Before you decide to do something nice for them make sure they have done enough nice things for you, but if they aren't meeting all of your needs then make sure you withhold some things from them or else it will never be fair.  If she is being critical and nagging then just stay late and work and ignore her, if he is raising his voice in conflict just get louder, don't just get mad, get even!  Getting your spouse whipped into shape is like training a dog, don't bother with the positive reinforcement and don't reward anything other than perfection on the first try - heavy handed punishment is the key.  If they hurt you, make sure you hurt them back a little more, it's in the Bible that we are supposed to gouge out someone's eye if they poke ours right?  This creates a place where perfect people deserve a perfect spouse but the rest of us shouldn't get any breaks, and so the marriage will be fine until the first person has a bad day or makes a mistake and then, like dominoes, everything else will come crashing down.  Nobody deserves love, so why give it freely away when it is a valuable commodity to be hoarded?

The sarcasm is pretty thick through here, but for those who may not catch it I feel I should spell it out that these are the approaches I see all the time that give the same miserable results in marriage every time.  The key to improving your marriage is keeping the focus on what you can do to make things better, since that is all you have any control over.

Women Are a Mystery?

How were the pyramid's built?  How many decimals does Pi go out to?  How do teenage boys eat so much?  These are all mysteries of the universe, but maybe understanding what is going on inside the brain of a woman is the greatest mystery of all for most men.  I get the benefit of working with hundreds of married couples acting as a translator between the sexes and over time see the same basic desires expressed over and over by most women and figured I'd share what I've gleaned.

The first thing I've discovered is that the deepest desires of a woman are a mystery to men partially because they are a mystery to the women themselves.  I really have to push women to admit this, but after lots of "He should just know" and "Women are just complex" bluffing I usually get shrugged shoulders.  There often seems to be an inner desire to be cared for like a baby, you should just be able to whine and cry and an all powerful being will come in and determine what you need and make it all better.  This works as an infant as there are like four possible things wrong and so if they smell you and look at the clock they can pretty much figure out what you want, but as a full grown woman with approximately 9 trillion possible dilemmas most of which without a fix expecting mindreading doesn't work as well.  The problem is that women are far more likely to be in touch with their emotions than men as well as more open to communicate them so you get a steady slew of expressed frustrations and concerns with tons of vagueness - kind of like getting a daily job performance review from your boss with absolutely no tangible suggestions for improvement.  This results in confounded men who would love to help meet your needs but hear cultural lies like it is just an unknowable mystery so just give up.

The second thing I have discovered about the innermost needs of most women I talk to is that they don't occur to most men simply because we really don't need them that much.  It is kind of like when I was caring for an infant for several hours while my wife was at work, I had to make sure I remember to feed the baby on a regular basis because they get hungry a lot more often than I do.  I can't just think about what I need waiting on my own stomach to rumble, I have to think through what someone else needs even if it is different from anything I need (another way being a parent helps you become better in other relationships).  If we, as men, need a, b, and c to feel fulfilled in a relationship we'll readily give them out, but often if we don't have the need, we don't think to provide it for someone else.

So what is it that most women want that I speak with and help them put into words?  Three basic things, to be pursued, to be validated, and to be reassured.  Most men don't really care whether it was you or me who set up the time to eat lunch, just that it happened.  Most women, however, take it as a sign of being valuable and important that you were the one to call them, set something up, and made the arrangements.  This is even true in their friendships; when was the last time you heard a guy complain that he is the one who is always having to call his friend, Bob, and how he wonders why Bob just cares so little for him because of this.  It is the basic premise of most every fairy tale, book, or movie that has ever been that a man will put forth an immense amount of effort and endure danger to relentlessly chase after the woman he loves either to rescue her or win her back.  The harsh reality is that within most marriages the woman waited a really long time up in the tower and by the time she gave up and hunted the prince down he was unconscious in the recliner in front of a football game with Cheetos all over his chest and by the time she makes her appearance SHE is the dragon to be slain.  Maybe it's planning a date night and actually arranging childcare and having an opinion as where to go.  Maybe it is taking the lead in making sure there is ten minutes a day to communicate on a deeper level, instead of the usual 80% of marital communication being initiated by women.

Most men are able to have a conversation with another man without even a shred of validation and it is OK, we each say our opinions and how dumb the other person's opinion is and then we are good.  For women it is pretty important that they feel like we get what they are saying and see validity in it.  There are plenty of stupid jokes out there that say men should just smile and nod and say "yes, dear" to whatever she says, but that is condescending to both men and women and really doesn't make a women feel truly validated, just more of a bully.  You don't have to agree with everything they say, they don't have to be right about everything, but everything can be heard, accepted as a valid perspective, and empathized with.  Even if afterwards you have to tell them you disagree or that you feel they are sinning in the situation and need to repent, as any good leader would need to do at times, you can still validate that they aren't an insane crazy-woman with ridiculous thoughts, beliefs, interpretations, and perspectives.

Men tend to see relationships as static, they just are - Bob, Frank, and Jimmy are my friends and Betty is my wife of twenty years.  Women tend to see relationships far more accurately, as eternally dynamic, constantly shifting and growing closer or further away.  Jenny is my newer friend who is really getting closer to me while Rita and I have been growing apart for years, while my husband and I are drifting further and further apart for the last few months.  There is a need for men to grow in relational awareness in order to not feel like their wife is just complaining when she is simply sounding the alarm that your Titanic is heading for an iceberg and only a fool would ignore that.  What it also means is that men need to make sure and reassure their wives on a regular ongoing basis that they still find them attractive, still love them, and really value their marriage as well.  We tend to think that if we said at some point in the past that we love our wives and "I do" then that should be the point of reference moving forward in case there is any doubt.  Unless there are major issues we don't usually question how our wife feels about us, like we don't question that the next time we look at our grass it will probably still be green.  We figure if anything changes we can send our wife a memo, but otherwise we shouldn't need to keep repeating ourselves.  The problem is that in the midst of that silence tons of doubt creeps in and it means a lot for our wives to be daily reminded that we are still committed to them and love them more than we ever have, and that we still get giddy as a middle schooler when we see their beauty, and that we are proud to have them as our wives.  Silence isn't seen neutrally but rather as a lack of value and importance for them and the marriage.

So unless your wife says my list is crap and wants to fill you in on their core needs just assume that if you are being graded on your husbanding skills it is likely how well you are pursuing, validating, and reassuring.  If you are a wife and your husband is randomly pushing buttons like a monkey trying to please you, but frustrating you both in the process please share this or your own desires with him, you'll be glad you did.

Compromise The Key To Marriage?

Ask anyone what it takes to make a successful marriage and they will likely tell you two important things - good communication skills and lots of compromise.  The problem is that both of these nuggets of wisdom are crap, and actually are hallmarks of really bad marriages.  Research seems to show that in highly conflictual and low enjoyment marriages that the communication is crystal clear, they are very accurately portraying exactly what they want to communicate to each other, like "I hate you", and "You are the most selfish person I have ever known."  Nothing unclear there, just straight to the point and right from the heart.  Another hallmark of really bad marriages is where compromise rules supreme and everything is fair, there becomes a tit-for-tat, quid-pro-quo way of interacting that is anything but love.

I kind of cringe when I hear couples talk about compromising or making deals with each other and I think it links back to the previous post http://pilferedwisdom.blogspot.com/2011/08/marriage-horrific-prison-or-best-tool.html that says the focus of marriage should be on growth and sanctification rather than making yourself happy.   So maybe I am wrong but compromise to me seems like two people cleverly negotiating their selfishness with each other so no one has to give in, or ever lose.  Maybe if we can come up with elaborate schedules requiring graphing calculators to determine the exact exchange rate of a poker night with the guys - three mornings to go running?  A week of country music in the family car?  A fifteen minute conversation with her mother-in-law without a sarcastic remark?  Maybe if I can recreate the final ring ceremony romantic extravaganza from The Batchelorette, then I can trade that in for you taking those pole dancing lessons I heard about?  If you have an affair does it makes things better if I just use my free pass to go find someone else?  I think the reason this mindset bothers me is that it inevitably leads to the next logical solution, which is to begin doing all this without even talking - to just decide that since he didn't do this, I won't do that.  Because she isn't meeting these important desires within me I will withhold what she desires as well.  And so we end up in an 80's action movie stare-down waiting for someone to slip up and show weakness.  

So what is the alternative to compromise?  Submission.  Everyone in the marriage just decides to see themselves as steward leaders under authority and in authority.  I won't be able to completely flesh out true biblical submission here in this blog entry but for now lets just assume that it is mutual between both partners and that their ultimate authority is God.  I think Emerson Eggerichs in Love and Respect lays out one of the best models for mutual submission within marriage where both spouses see their ultimate authority as God and they have been charged to meet the core desires of each other to build each other up.  A man was designed to need respect, and women were built with a unique ability to speak life into us, to help us feel good enough, competent enough, accepted enough for who we are to go out and conquer the world.  But when a wife criticizes, complains, compares her husband to others, and defines him more by what he is lacking than what he has it cripples him.  A woman was designed to need love, and men were designed with an ability to give and sacrifice themselves in a way that puts their wife up on a pedestal and creates a confidence that nothing will be placed above her.  But when a husband becomes lazy and selfish, content to count his paycheck as all that should be required of him, and treating his wife with apathy and indifference unless she is naked it pushes her towards anxiety and insecurity.  Circular spirals happen both directions, positive and negative, as it is far easier to give respect and love when you are getting yours in return.

The problem comes when you look at your overweight husband piddling on his iPhone while ignoring the kids, after having spent the entire Saturday playing golf following a week of working late every night combined with mandatory happy hour since he needs his "Me Time."  Or when you overhear your wife equating your relative worth and value as a human being to Casey Anthony to her mother during her nightly venting session before mocking your attempts at physical intimacy by laying out every mistake you ever committed with detail that makes you question whether she has hidden cameras.  Kind of hard to drum up respect for a guy who doesn't deserve it and it seems stupid to lay your heart out out for a woman that looks to devour you unless you develop telepathy and never make a mistake.  So if you go with the compromise route then everyone gets what they deserve and no one is really loved.  But if you decide to submit and respect the husband who doesn't deserve it and love the unlovable wife, then everyone gets their needs met and we become far more likely to become respectable and lovable - that is speaking life into our spouse.

A warning needs to be thrown out here that often when we start trying to be a better spouse and submitting we are really just caving, building resentment across time, unless we start getting some payback.  That's not change, that's exchange - it's quid-pro-quo compromise just on layaway.  So either we become the spouse God has called us to be out of submission to him, not our spouse, or we build in frustration looking to get paid back.  Basically if we respond to our spouses by what they deserve we give them very little but if we respond to God's love poured out on us by loving our spouses unconditionally we give them our all.  It's ultimately what we want for our kids - that they will find someone who will love them like we do, and that even if they screw up their spouse will be everything they need - the same God wants for his children.  So when you see God as your heavenly father-in-law it gives you a different perspective on how to treat your spouse.  You can tell me you love me all day long but if you treat my kid like crap then I don't really buy it.  So maybe the greatest test of your love for God is how you tangibly treat His son or daughter - Ouch.